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The following is the transcript for Girl Meets Mr. Squirrels.

Interior. The Matthews' Apartment. Riley's Bedroom.
Riley: I apologized!
Maya: I don't care!
Riley: I apologized like 50 times.
Maya: You don't do that to me.
Riley: How many times are you gonna make me say I'm sorry?

Maya:

Are you actually sorry?

Riley:

No!
Topanga: Oh, this one's bad.
Cory: It's Riley and Maya.
Auggie: They love each other.
Maya: Fine, you don't want to sit by me? Fabulous.
Riley: I will not stink up the integrity of our bay window with this ridiculous argument.
Maya: You come here and stink it up right now.
Topanga: No, this one's really bad.
Cory: It'll go away.
Auggie: They're gonna marry each other.
Interior. School Halls of John Quincy Adams.
Maya: You stood up for Lucas and not me!
Riley: I'm not standing up for him.
Maya: You didn't disagree with him.
Riley: Well, when you really think about it, he wasn't wrong.
Maya: Who cares?
Riley: Oh, right and wrong don't matter now?
Maya: The only thing that matters is you and me. When have I ever not stood up for you?
Riley: When I'm wrong!
Maya: You're always wrong!
Riley: (gasps)
Maya: Or you're always right. Who cares? I don't listen, I just stick up for you automatically.
Zay: Chick fight right here, ladies and gentlemen. One dollar to see the shocker by the lockers. Brought to you by Zay Babineaux enterprises.
Lucas: I'm not gonna be the cause of this.
Maya: Too late, huckleberry.
Zay: (chuckles) Huckleberry.
Lucas: You know why it happened, Maya? All you do is call me names. I finally struck back once.
Maya: This has nothing to do with you, who I will deal with later.
Zay, Lucas, and Farkle: Yee.
Maya: This happened because she stuck up for you.
Riley: I didn't stick up for him.
Riley: You didn't disagree with him.
Farkle: How could she disagree with him, he's right?
Maya: You're next!
Farkle: I want to be first.
Riley and Maya: Yee.
Zay: He is right, you know.
Maya: Why does that mean so much to everybody? When being right is more important than being friends... Then that's the end of being friends. (Bell rings)

Farkle:

Yeah, no chance.

Cory:

Is this still going on?

Farkle:

Look at 'em!

Cory:

Yowzas!
Maya: I'm moving my seat.
Riley: Yeah, you just do that.
Cory: Mr. Friar?
Lucas: I'm sorry, I couldn't take it anymore.I finally called her a name. She's called me a thousand names. I called her one name.
Maya: Move.
Zay: Do it.
Lucas: He's under my protection. You want to tangle with me?
Maya: Not yet. Move.
Yogi: (giggles)
Maya: Why didn't you disagree with him, Riley?
Riley: Maya, how can I disagree with what he said if what he said was true?
Maya: In life, no matter what happens sometimes all you need is someone who will be there for you no matter what.
Riley: What he said is true!
Maya: I'm not talking to you!
Riley: Then I'm not talking to you!
Maya: Well, that's the way it would work, wouldn't it?
Riley: Not the way we're doing it.
Cory: Okay, darlings. If everyone will focus their attention to the front of the room... war. World wars can begin with a single gunshot. And wars between friends can also begin with an isolated event. One time in college, all my friends had a war, and it was great... until it wasn't.
Lucas: I won't let it come to that, Mr. Matthews.
Farkle: Neither will I.
Riley: Maya?
Maya: What?
Riley: Let me tell you how much I am not going to talk to you.
Maya: You're pathetic at this.
Riley: Well, we've never done this before.
Cory: Sorry, guys, but I think this is gonna take someone a little better at this than us. This is gonna take someone with a very unique set of skills. This is gonna take...
Eric: (bangs on door, scratching) (scratching stops) (scratching resumes) I have been summoned.
Riley: STRANGER!
Eric: Bah! Bah bah! (vocalizes fanfare) (continues vocalizing) Okay!
Theme song. Interior. The Matthews' Apartment.
Cory: Riley!
Topanga: Why'd you blow the whistle?
Riley: Caveman!
Topanga: Honey, it's not a caveman. It's your Uncle Eric. Okay, it's a caveman. Honey, remember about your Uncle Eric, same rules we told you at the zoo. Don't stand too close, don't feed him, and whatever you do, do not call him Koko.
Cory: Okay, girls. Here we go.

Eric:

Ah, you missed the whole parade.
Cory: My brother!
Eric: My brother!

Cory and Eric:

(chuckle)

Topanga:

Hey, Eric.
Eric: 'Pangers! You're still here?\
Topanga: Yeah.
Eric: Hey. Hello, niche.
Riley: Uncle Eric.
Eric: Little 'Pangers!
Auggie: Uncle Eric!
Eric: Oh! Oh! It's cousin Auggie! Hey! How you doin', buddy?
Auggie: Uncle Eric, how come you look like this?
Cory: Because they elected him mayor.
Riley: Who would do that?
Topanga: The good people of Stupid Town.
Eric: It's not pronounced Stupid town!
Topanga: How is it pronounced?
Eric: St. Upid Town.
Topanga: Oh. How St. Upid of me.
Eric: I don't get it!
Riley: And you're the mayor of St. Upid Town?
Eric: Yes! I was elected in a landslide. See, after the landslide, everybody that wasn't killed voted for me. It's a lovely little village right on the border of New York and France.
Riley: New York doesn't even border France. It borders Canada.
Eric: Well, then why do they speak French? Why don't they speak Canadahoo?
Topanga: It's quebec.
Eric: The jeopardy guy?
Topanga: No.
Eric: Who is the jeopardy guy?
Topanga: No.
Eric: (chuckles) You have a stupid name. No, see I look like this because they look like this. When they elected me mayor of them, I wanted them to know that I was one of them. I mean, people go nuts for the way I look. Do people go nuts for the way you look?
Riley: I wore high-heels once. People have responded.
Eric: You're too young. It takes away your vulnerability.
Riley: Well, we know that now.
Eric: Anyhoo, I've been summoned. Why have I been brought to here?
Topanga: Because Cory thinks when it comes to helping people, you somehow turn into a genius.
Riley: I'm in a fight with my best friend.
Eric: There will be no losing friends. Lose one friend, lose all friends. Lose yourself.
Auggie: That's genius!
Cory: I told you. Have faith in him. They didn't elect you just because you look like that.
Eric: No, they elected me because people trust me on their issues. I don't have to look like this. Everybody look at me! Ow!
Interior. The Matthews' Apartment. Riley's Bedroom.

Cory:

I called in my brother to help because no one here wants to see your battle become a war.
Topanga: And Eric's really good at this, because you wanna believe that everybody has to be good at something.
Eric: Thank you, tuba.
Cory: Eric's also good at this because he completely knows how to talk to people.
Eric: Right. Now... which one of you is Riley's friend, Moesha?
Maya: It's Maya.
Eric: Oh, okay. So, what are you fighting about?
Maya: She didn't take my side.
Riley: I couldn't take her side based on what was said, which is the problem with this whole thing, because Maya is making too big of a deal of what was said.
Eric: Uh-huh, okay. Okay. Now, which one was she?
Riley: She's the one who used to be my best friend.
Maya: Oh, I'm sorry, but your best friend is supposed to be the person you stand up for in front of people.
Eric: Okay... (speaks gibberish) Look... listen, Riley. (sighs) Look, in Margie's point of view... Right and wrong don't matter. There's nothing more important than the friendship.
Riley: I just can't side with her this time. This time we just can't go into candy cane world. We can't just go skipping over the rainbow bridge with our underwear on our head.
Eric: Yeah. Yeah, I'm not doing that again. When a real friend comes into your life, I mean... if one true friend comes through this window, then sometimes to protect the friendship, then right and wrong, they have to go out the window. Do you understand?
Riley and Topanga: No.
Cory: Honey, I think Eric's employing a broad-based concept of value of friendship taking priority...
Topanga: I'm sorry, are you explaining something to me?
Cory: No.
Topanga: Yo, bozo.
Eric: Yes?
Topanga: A true friend always lets her friend know what she is really thinking. That is the definition of friendship. Is there anybody here who could possibly disagree with that?
Eric: Well, I think what Eric's trying...
Auggie: Are you kidding me?
Eric: Yeah, okay, you know what no one can argue with there, tomato? Um, when I finally hear what this argument is about, and I fix it all up in like one second. Yeah, okay, Malala, come here. Now, I need you to tell us what this fight is about, so I can fix it.
Maya: Lucas called me short.
Cory: Fix it.
Eric: Yeah, I can't fix that.
Cory: Eric, I brought you in because you're the only one I know who can do the impossible. You're my big brother. Fix it.
Eric: (grunts) Okay, you know what? Fine. Stay a hobbit. I'll just fix this one. (grunts) Okay, you know, I can't do anything if no one's gonna help.
Maya: Lucas called me a short little stack of pancakes, and Riley didn't say I wasn't. And I don't want to be a short little stack of pancakes.
Topanga: Oh, boy.
Maya: I don't think I'm gonna grow anymore.
Eric: I might be done, too.
Interior. John Quincy Adams Middle School. Mr. Matthews' History Classroom.
Cory: What are the primary causes of war?
Eric: You may be wondering why I'm... not now.
Riley: Freedom.
Lucas: Religion.
Maya: Pancakes.
Eric: You may be wondering why...
Cory: Not now!
Eric: Ah...
Riley: Can't we be friends again?
Maya: We're at war, Riley.
Riley: Why?
Maya: Because when I knew I could count on you to defend me, I felt at peace. Now, I'm not at peace.
Riley: Maya, what's the difference what anybody says?
Maya: Because even if I am short, I never felt like I was until you didn't disagree.
Cory: In any war, the immediate danger is escalation to other countries.
Farkle: It seems like this is about Riley and Maya. How could it escal... I get it now.
Cory: Right. So, in order to avoid that, the next step would be to bring in a mediating body, like the united nations. But, unfortunately, they said no, so I've decided to bring in a respected intellect from the north.
Eric: (whispers)
Cory: Now, Eric!
Eric: Oww! Now, what was I going to say?
Kids: You may wonder what it is?
Eric: Yeah?
Kids: I'm doing here.
Eric: Uh-huh.
Zay: Who is this guy?
Cory: Well, this guy is my brother Eric, and, to be honest, there's no one that I trust more when it comes to the art of mediation.
Eric: Mediation. Sitting cross-legged going ohm... my legs are killing me.
Cory: Right, so, it's certainly no secret that war has broken out among us. I thought it might be an interesting lesson for you guys to see how rational and caring people can bring war to an end.
Riley: Dad, are you sure?
Cory: Yeah. He's got this. Uh, Eric, Eric? You do have this, right? I mean... I know we mess around a lot, but the stakes are kind of high on this one.
Eric: Look, I just wanna thank you for believing in me.
Cory: My brother.
Eric: My brother. Okay, I need there to be as many people around as possible for this.
Cory: Why?
Eric: Well, as mayor, I'm around other people all the time. When you begin to understand them, you get that everybody has the same thing in common. Now, here we have two friends at war. Why? Who fired the first shot?
Lucas: I called Maya a short stack of pancakes.
Eric: Okay, now was that really the first shot, or did Maya call you anything to make you say that to her?
Lucas: She called me "huckleberry."
Maya: There's also a possibility I may have called him "Ranger Rick" once.
Lucas: Once?
Maya: Oh, yeah, "Ranger Roy" once, "Ranger Rick" is every day.
Lucas: Oh, don't forget about "Bucky McBoingBoing."
Maya: Oh, that was a fun day.
Lucas: Oh, and she comes up to my face and goes, ha...
Maya: Hurr...
Lucas: Like it's the way I talk.
Eric: Oh. Okay, now why do you do that?
Maya: Because he lets me.
Eric: Oh. Well, why do you let her?
Zay: Yeah, I'd like to know that myself. And all he do is call you a short stack of pancakes, and you're mad at him?
Maya: I'm not mad at him. I'm mad at her.
Riley: I'm sorry, Maya, but how can I possibly defend you from how tall you are?
Maya: The same way I defend you from how tall you are.
Riley: What?
Maya: Let's say somebody here called you... I don't know, "Riley Superklutz."
Riley: What?
Maya: It's okay, Riley. You know, maybe you got these big old gawky legs and arms that you're not really in such good control of yet. So, maybe sometimes you don't walk around so good.
Riley: Do I do that a lot?
Maya: No, but sometimes you do this.
Kids: (laughing)
Maya: Hey! Nobody laughs at her but me.
Riley: I've never once heard anybody call me "Riley Superklutz".
Maya: Because I've always had your back.
Riley: That's how you all see me?
Kids: Yeah.
Riley: Okay, well, that kind of hurts. Why does it hurt?
Farkle: Because it's true, Riley. Some of these things are true about us.
Riley: But, you defended me?
Maya: Of course I defended you.
Riley: Even when it was true?
Maya: It doesn't matter.
Eric: Why?
Maya: Why what?
Eric: Why doesn't it matter?
Maya: 'Cause we're best friends.
Eric: I can't hear you.
Maya: Because we're best friends!
Eric: I still can't hear you. Something's wrong!
Cory: They're best friends, Eric. They realize that. You did it.
Eric: No.
Cory: No?
Eric: No, we knew that already. That's not it. This goes deeper.
Riley: Do you think I'm a superklutz?
Maya: Yeah. Do you think I'm super short?
Riley: I think you're regular short.
Maya: Thanks.
Riley: So, you knew that everybody was calling me this, but you didn't tell me?
Maya: I didn't want to hurt your feelings.
Riley: Well, that didn't work.
Maya: I'd join you, but I'm already down here.
Cory: What do you mean it goes deeper than that?
Farkle: You know, I've never admitted this before, but sometimes I wonder if my desire for world domination actually comes from deep down feeling like I'm squeaky the mouse.
Lucas: What makes you feel like that?
Farkle: You do.
Lucas: How?
Farkle: Just by being alive, you freak!
Lucas: I'm a freak?
Farkle: Look at you! Look at your freak face, and your freak hair. You make me sick!
Lucas: Hey, you think this is easy? You think it's easy being me every day?
Farkle, Maya, and Riley: (in unison) Shut up!
Lucas: Yeah, okay.
Zay: One dollar to look at the freak.
Lucas: Oh, be quiet, flat butt.
Zay: What? Really? I had no idea.
Eric: You got this? Yeah, the people elected me mayor because they trust me with their issues.
Riley: You mean political issues?
Eric: Nope. Don't know anything about those. No, they trust me with their people issues, which, it turns out everybody has, and they all seem to show up right about now. The enemy's not each other, guys. You're all going through the same thing. It's part of growing up.
Riley: I'm a klutz.
Maya: I'm a pancake.
Farkle: Squeak.
Lucas: Freak.
Zay: That's why it hurts to sit.
Riley: Well, what a bunch of weirdos we are.
Interior. The Matthews' Apartment. Maya and Topanga are sitting in the bay window when Riley was standing.
Maya: Guess I'm just gonna have to get used to going through life looking up at people, and people looking down at me.
Riley: And I'm just going to sit here and never move.
Topanga: I think it's about going through life with the right attitude, girls. I mean, I think we need to recognize people for who they are, not what they look like. Because it's only our contribution to the world and to each other that gives us any real stature.
Maya: That's easy for you to say. Everybody looks up to you. Because you're this brilliant, strong, Amazon warrior.
Topanga: Oh, really?
Maya: Woah, you're a shrimp.
Topanga: Yeah.
Maya: You've always been like this?
Topanga: Yeah.
Maya: You're not just doing this for me?
Topanga: No, Maya, this is me. But, you're the fiercest woman I know. And so are you. Honey, a couple of short stacks of pancakes like us can do just fine.
Riley: And a super klutz!
Maya and Topanga: Woah!
Topanga: You feeling any better about yourself?
Maya: Yeah.
Topanga: How about you, Riley?
Maya: Yeah, she's unconscious.
Interior. Topanga's
Riley: Maya?
Maya: Riles?
Riley: I think when there's a whole world of people out there who might say something about who you are or the way you look, it's areal good idea to have friends who will defend you no matter what. I'm that from now on.
Maya: Thank you, Riley.
Riley: You're welcome, you fierce Amazon warrior.
Farkle: You know, if you just let me mess you up a little bit, I think you'd be a lot more relatable to people.
Lucas: Okay, go ahead. Okay?
Farkle: How did that make you better?
Zay: Seriously, does it not hurt anyone else to sit?
Topanga: I owe you an apology, Eric. People who underestimate you are making a big mistake. Cory was right to have faith in you. You really are a mature, normal human being.
Eric: I am not!
Topanga: Never mind.
Maya: Whoa, what's that?
Riley: That's my Uncle Eric, mayor. He's great with the issues. The people in France are lucky to have you.
Maya: Yeah, I gotta say, you did really well for us.
Eric: Thank you, Mordecai.
Farkle: You really know how to talk to people. Have you ever thought about taking over the world?
Cory: World, you say? Yeah, uh, fortunately, the world has protective mechanisms in place that would never allow that to happen.
Eric: Yes. Fortunately.
Interior. The principal's office.
TV Newscaster: Scandal rocks Washington today, as Jefferson Davis Graham, long-time senator from New York did something so incredibly stupid, his chance at re-election is, like, zero. Unless they can somehow pull an even bigger blockhead out of the woods to run against him. But, even in American politics, that could never happen. We'll be back after this with sports and weather.
President: Face it, we're finished. There isn't a guy in the universe couldn't beat our candidate right now. Too good. Winner. Oh, he beats us. She beats us. Whoa! Lookie here, Chester. You're welcome, America.

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