The following is the transcript for Girl Meets the Secret of Life.

Interior. School Halls of John Quincy Adams.
Riley: Y'know what I like? Life. And I like it when it doesn't change. We should sing our happy song.
Maya: We don't have a happy song.
Riley: We should have a happy song.
Maya: We will never have a happy song.
Riley: Not with that attitude. (Bell rings and Maya and Riley both enter the class)
Maya: So you don't want anything to change?
Riley: No, I don't like change. (Riley and Maya sit down) Change fills my pockets with pennies of uncertainty.
Maya: (Gives Riley a puzzled look)
Cory: All right. So should we actually learn about what happened in Belgium in 1831?
Farkle: No!
Cory: No?
Farkle: I always get my hopes up and then something happens to hurt my little Farkle heart. Well, this time I refuse to believe.
Cory: In 1831...
Farkle: Yes? Wait! (To Riley) Anything going to suddenly happen to you?
Riley: No changes, lovin' life
Farkle: (To Lucas) Anything going to happen to you?
Lucas: Nothing ever happens to me.
Farkle: Maya?
Maya: (Snores)
Farkle:  Oh my gosh. This is it.
Cory: In 1831... Belgium-
Zay: (Enters classroom) What? Y'all started without me?
Farkle: (Stands up) Get out!
Zay:  Someone in this room is going to be very surprised to see me.
Riley: Is it me?
Zay: Don't know, sugar, but could you get any cuter?
Riley: (Smiles) Well I can't answer that.
Cory: You got a transcript, kid?
Zay: (Hands Cory papers) I do. Check out them grades. Here, let me sing 'em to you. De, de, de, de, de, de... de (Flat) f.
Maya:  (Smiles and nods) Yeah, I know that song.
Cory: Isaiah Babineaux. From Austin, Texas.
Lucas: What are you doing here, Zay?
Zay: Well, the first thing I'm doing is waitin' for a better reaction from you.
Riley: Maya, something's changing.
Zay: Okay, Mr. Teach, where do I sit? You know, usually I'm more of a back row kind of guy. (Brenda waves and smiles) Whoa. That's unusual.
Cory: (Gestures to the seat behind Lucas) Have a seat right there, Mr. Babineaux.
Riley: (Turns around) Lucas, do you know this Isiah?
Zay: (Sits on top of his desk) Yeah, tell 'em you know me good.
Lucas: How 'bout we talk later, okay?
Cory: Well, Mr. Babineaux, if you work out as well as last years new student (points toward Lucas) we're happy to have you.
Zay: Wait. What? Lucas, you're doing okay here?
Riley: Why wouldn't he be okay here?
Zay:  Not currently on probation? No disciplinary actions? They just let you wander free?
Farkle: (In mad voice) Sit down!
Zay: (Zay sits down)
Farkle: Okay new guy's all settled in and there's still class time left so do it! Do it while I'm still tingly!
Cory: So, In 1831, Belgium declared-
Yogi: What is the secret of life?
Cory and Farkle: (stare at Yogi)
Yogi: I'm sorry, Mr. Farkle. (stands up and faces Cory) I know I'm not your daughter, but I too have value in this world. What is the secret of life?
Cory: (chuckles and holds up eraser)
Farkle: Don't do it! Put it down and no one gets hurt.
Cory: (smiles and erases the chalkboard)
Farkle: (screams and pounds his head on the desk multiple times)
Cory: Yogi has asked the primary riddle of the universe: What is the secret of life? People spend their whole lives trying to figure it out. I was lucky. I had a teacher who cared about me to make sure I knew. Lucas, You got an opinion on this?
Maya: Yes, What do you got, Mr. moral compass?
Zay: Did you just call Lucas Friar your moral compass? (Hits Lucas in the shoulder) Ha, they called you moral compass!
Lucas: (Turns around)
Zay: Okay.
Riley:  Something bad is going to happen, Maya.
Maya: Yeah. It occurs to me you're trying to tell us ranger Rick was a little different back in Texas.
Zay: A little? What do they know, exactly? 'Cause I wouldn't wanna say anything wrong. They know you're a year older, right?
Lucas: Yeah. (Turns around) Know they do.
Zay: Oh, yeah, it's my fault. Look at you!
Cory: Okay, that's enough, Mr. Babineaux.
Zay: Oh, so you know about him?
Cory: I know all about my Friar.
Riley: Excuse me?
Maya: Riley, you're shaking.
Riley: Dad? You know something?
Lucas: Back in Texas-
Cory: Lucas! You sure?
Lucas: (nods) Back in Texas I did something. I had to leave.
Zay: It was great! I mean, they threw him out of the whole school!
Riley: What?
Lucas: I came here to get a new start. Nobody knew me here.
Zay: (Raises hand and smiles) I know him.
Riley: Do I know you?
Title sequence. Then: Interior. John Quincy Adams Middle School cafeteria. Riley and Maya are eating lunch
Maya:  Look! We don't know the story yet, let's know the story before you go to Rileytown.
Riley: I'm not going to Rileytown. I'm calm.
Maya: I like it worse when you're calm. C'mon. Be you. (Lifts Riley's arms) Y-Y-Y-Yay. (Lucas sits with them)
Riley: Deny it.
Lucas: Riley.
Riley: Tell me whoever this Zay kid is, that he can't just come and change you from the Lucas we know. Tell me nothing changes.
Maya: That's all you have to do, Lucas. You hear me? I just called you by your actual name for the first time ever. That's how important this is to me. Because it's important to her. Deny it.
Lucas: I can't.
Riley: I like you. I went on my first date with you. Do you think it's right to let me like you without telling me who you are?
Lucas: You know who I am. I'm ranger Rick. We rode on a white horse. I asked for your father's permission just to go out with you. Who does that?
Riley: Were you thrown out of school? 
Lucas: Yes.
Riley: For a whole year?
Lucas: Yes.
Maya: (Points and smiles at Lucas) I finally like you.
Riley: You told me you wanted to be a veterinarian. You told me you gave birth to a horse.
Maya: (Smiles) That had to hurt.
Riley: Why wouldn't you tell me about this?
Lucas: It's not something I'm proud of. I thought I could start over. I guess I was wrong. I guess you do something and that's the end of you.
Riley: You think that's what I'm upset about? Whatever you did? Then I don't know you. And you don't know me.
Lucas: Why are you acting like this?
Riley: Friends talk to you and real friends listen., remember? I would have listened, I'm your friend. Whatever you did , why wouldn't you trust me with it? People who care about you are supposed to trust you with stuff. Wait a minute. (Stands up) My father knew about this?
Interior. The Matthews' apartment. Topanga and Auggie are relaxing.
Cory: (Enters) Topanga! There could be a significant amount of drama heading in our general direction.
Topanga: You know, normal people consider their home to be a sanctuary from the storm of the outside world. Why can't we be normal people?
Cory: Because we have this- (Points to the door) (Pause of silence) I never get those right. But it's coming.
Topanga: Okay, what do you wanna do until it does?
Auggie: I could throw a tantrum about absolutely nothing for ya. Watch me. (Gets onto the kitchen table and starts kicking and punching it) Why don't we have any... (Stops) Jelly? 
Topanga: We got some in the fridge.
Auggie: (Continues) Well, I don't like that kind of jelly! (Stops)
Riley: (Enters) You knew?!
Auggie:  Well, i'm not gonna beat that. (Gets off table)
Maya: (Enters) Boy are you gonna get yelled at, Mr. Matthews! Oh, I missed it? (Taps Riley) Do it again.
Topanga: A normal people sanctuary. I'd like a fountain. Maybe a candle.
Riley: How could you keep something like this away from me? 
Topanga: Just some place where people don't go hysterical over every little thing.
Cory: Yes, I did know Lucas was expelled.
Topanga: What? (Stands up and slams book close)
Cory: (Whispers to Topanga) Topanga, you knew, I told you all about this.
Topanga: (Whispers back) Yes, I know you told me all about this, but I want nothing to do with that! (Faces towards Riley)
Riley: Why would you let me like him if you know something about him?
Topanga: Riley, honey, whatever this is about Lucas, that I know nothing about, I'm sure your father knows exactly what you need to learn from it.
Riley: Really? Dad? You got anything?
Interior. John Quincy Adams Middle School History class.
Cory: Al washes a car in six minutes. Fred washes the same car in eight minutes. How long does it take Al and Fred to wash the same car together?
Riley: How is this anything?
Farkle: Three minutes twenty-five point seven seconds.
Cory:  Wrong!
Farkle I'm sorry what did you just say?
Cory: You're wrong.
Farkle: I'm wrong? You're a history teacher teaching English, science, whatever you got going on at home. You waltz your wife in here on career day.
Cory: She's a respected attorney.
Farkle: My father said she should've been my mother!
Cory: What do you want from me?
Lucas: Mr. Matthew teaches us about a lot of things. He's open-minded that way.
Riley: He can be open-minded because he knows who we are
Lucas: Oh. She took us both out.
Cory: I teach this way because in my old school I had a very strict teacher.
Zay: Did he teach history, English, or math?
Cory: I don't know. But in his class there was no talking. No interruptions.
Zay: So you didn't like him?
Cory: I loved him.
Farkle: Then why don't you teach like him?
Cory: Because I would never try and be like him. I could only fail. I only succeed you guys if I get my teaching across as effectively as he does.
Maya: (To Cory) You do. (To class) He does.
Cory: Thank you, Maya. And I will now. Al washes a car in six minutes. Fred washes the same car in eight minutes.
Zay: He thinks it's math class! Somebody stop him! (Points at Farkle) You, what's your name?
Farkle: Farkle.
Zay: What'd you call me?
Farkle: My name is Farkle.
Zay: Who would do that to you?
Cory: So your assignment today is to wash a car, together.
Riley: With him? (Points back at Lucas)
Cory: Especially with him.
Farkle: If you do it correctly, You will find the answer is three minutes twenty-five point seven seconds.
Cory: If you do it correctly, You will find the secret of life. (Exits)
Exterior. Outside the John Quincy Adams Middle School gym.
Maya: Done.
Farkle: Amazing.
Maya: How long?
Farkle: Nineteen minutes, forty-two seconds. You are the worst car washer in the class.
Maya: (Throws down rag) Oh, You mean no one will ever ask me to wash a car for them? Say it.
Riley: You're a genius.
Maya: (Flips hair back) Oh stop.
Farkle: The only two who washed the car in six minutes and eight minutes was Riley and-
Maya: Lucas? Was it Lucas? Could've been Lucas? Lucas?
Farkle: Yeah, Lucas.
Riley: I'm not washing a car with him.
Farkle: Oh yes you are, in three minutes twenty-five point seven seconds and I will go back to your father and say, Ha! (To Riley) Now pick up that hose!
Riley: Fine!
Farkle: (To Lucas) Now pick up that bucket
Lucas: Yes, sir.
Farkle:  And... Go! No, no. Work together. The equation doesn't work if you don't work together.
Lucas: Riley, I could use some water over here to rinse this off.
Riley: Oh. Water? You want some water? (Turns around)
Lucas: Yes, Please.
Maya: (Walks towards Lucas) Oh, Huckleberry, Huckleberry, Whatever bad, bad things you did at your school, you are still a Huckleberry.
Lucas: Why? You need water to rinse off-
Riley: (Sprays Lucas with the hose)
Lucas: (Jumps over the hood of the car to get to the other side and hide)
Riley: Tell me what you did!
Lucas: Nothing this bad!
Riley: They threw you out of school!
Farkle: Wash the car! You're supposed to be washing the car! Why aren't you washing the car? Wash the car?
Riley: (Almost sprays Farkle with the hose)
Farkle:  Okay.
Riley: When are you going to tell me what you did?
Lucas: Fine! You want me to tell you what I did?
Riley: Everything!
Lucas: Okay. (Slowly walks towards Riley) Good girl, Just give me the hose, and I'll tell you. Good girl.
Riley: Fine. (Hands Lucas the hose) Thank you.
Maya: (Hits herself in the head and walks away)
Lucas: No, thank you. 
Riley: Maya!
Lucas: (Sprays Riley with the hose)
Riley: (Screams and walks towards the fence and gets sprayed more)
Zay: (Gets out of the car)
Maya: (Sits on bucket)
Zay: (Sits on bucket next to Maya) Wow. Yours is a lot of something.
Maya: She's a lot of work.
Zay: What happens to her when you're home, sick?
Maya: Oh, I could never get sick.
Maya and Zay: (They both smiles)
Maya: So, just between you and me what did Ranger Rick really do? Did he tip over a cow? Did he put eleven gallons in a ten gallon hat?
Zay: I already told you too much and he'll tell you what he wants to tell you. 
Maya: You were really best friends?
Zay: Oh, there were never better best friends.
Maya: I think there would and if Riley was coming from Texas, at least she'd tell me what happened.
Zay: Like I said something happened.
Riley: (Screams in the background)
Zay: Your friend's a fountain. (Points at Riley)
Riley: (Screams) Wait a minute! Wait, wait! Lucas, I lost my contact lens. (Bends down to start looking for them)
Lucas:  (Gets down to help Riley) Oh my gosh. Riley, I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to do that.
Riley:  (Walks away and grabs a bucket full of water)
Lucas: Wait. Since when did you wear-
Riley: (Dumps bucket of water on Lucas head, leaving the bucket on his head and grabs his arms) (Pins Lucas against the car)  Well, you... were the first boy I ever liked! ...That's a big deal for me. Are you worth it? Tell me and I'll believe you. I want to believe you. Are you worth it?
Lucas: Yes.
Riley: (Sighs) Okay. (Takes off bucket from Lucas head)
Farkle: You have completely ruined this experiment for me! You are significantly over three minutes- 
Riley: By how much?
Farkle: A day! (Points to car) And you haven't even dried the car yet.
Lucas and Riley: (Smiles and picks up Farkle and dries the car)
Farkle: Okay, okay. I think It's dry!
Zay: You're a tight little group aren't you?
Maya: Yeah, we are. (Stands up and walks over to Riley, Lucas, and Farkle) Hey! Farkle's right! This is a serious assignment! Now line up right there! Stand up Straight! Straighter! I'm gonna show you how you do this right! Open your mouths! Open 'em! Amateurs. (Sprays all three with the hose)
Zay: (Walks back into the gymnasium looking solemn)'
Interior. John Quincy Adams Middle School History classroom.
Cory: Al washes a car in six minutes. Fred washes the same car in eight minutes. How long does it take Al and Fred to wash the same car together? Farkle?
Farkle:  They were snapping towels at each other! I said, "The car's not even dry yet!" and they went... (Stands up and imitates the sound of a hose) Whoa! She's the fountain! (Imitates gurgling noise)
Cory: So, not three minutes twenty-five point seven seconds?
Farkle: I was "Wruh"
Cory: (Smiles) Excuse me?
Farkle:  I was "Wruhh!"
Cory: Well... Takes a big man to admit when he was "Wruhh!" There is no answer to this equation. Except on paper. Except in a math class. Which this isn't.
Lucas: Is there an answer to life?
Cory: Ah. Now we have arrived at the secret.
Riley: Lucas' secret?
Cory: Bigger than that.
Lucas:  Riley, sometimes things come out when they're supposed to come out.
Riley: As long as you're not different than I think... because I think a lot of you.
Lucas: I used to be different than I am now.
Riley: What happened?
Lucas: (Smiles) I came here.
Cory: And there's your answer, Yogi. There's the secret of life. People change people. No matter what I teach you in here, learning from the people you care about is more important than words on any page. That's why I let you talk in here sometimes. That's why it's interesting. Mr. Babineaux might've appreciated that, if he was here.  Where's your friend, Mr. Friar?
Lucas: I don't know. I can't always be responsible for him.
Cory: Sure you can. But maybe in a different way.
Lucas:  Look! Zay's mouth is what gets him into trouble. He may act tougher than he is, maybe. But he's my friend. And I care about my friends. Riley, you understand that better than anyone. What was I supposed to do? I'm sorry, again. I'm working on it, okay?
Interior. John Quincy Adams Middle School hallway.
Zay: So, I'm new here, you know? Just tryin' to fit in on what should be my crowd, you know? Seeking my kind of people, you know? I'm sensing you know what I'm talking about. Look at you. You know what I'm talking about. (Hits Joey) (Backs up) That's why I'm not in my extra math class. 'Cause right away, I knew you didn't fit in with these people either. You know, these car washers? I'm gonna run with you now. You're welcome. Oh, not again... 
Joey: (Pins Zay up against the lockers)
Zay:  I'm up in the air. Lucas!
Interior. John Quincy Adams Middle School History classroom.
Lucas: Oh, not again... I'll be right back, sir. (Stands up)
Cory: Lucas?
Lucas:  I'm okay, sir. (Leaves classroom)
Cory: Lucas?
Lucas: (Stops at the door) I'm okay, sir. If I manage not to come back expelled, you have all changed me. (Leaves classroom)
Riley: Dad?
Cory: (Exits)
Riley, Maya and Farkle: (Exit)
Interior. John Quincy Adams Middle School hallway.
Zay: I did it again. I'm sorry.
Lucas: It's okay, Zay. Get outta here.
Joey: (Releases Zay, puts his back against Zay, moves around, and clicks tongue)
Zay:  (Leaves)
Joey: Are you kidding me? I had a neck in my hand. I liked it. I miss it. You my new neck? (Points at Lucas)
Lucas:  Are you the one? Because there's one in every school, isn't there? So, in this school your the-
Joey: Yeah, It's me.
Riley: Daddy, are you going to stop this?
Cory: Not yet.
Lucas:  I couldn't help but notice your pointy boots. Back in Texas we appreciate a nice pointy boot. They can end a fight real quick. (Pins Joey against the lockers) Unless somebody knows how to put his heel on the soft part where all your toes are. 
Joey:  Ow.
Lucas: Now I'm sure you'd like to throw a punch. Except I got both your wrist and I'm as strong as a horse. I don't even work at it. I just am. 
Joey: The way I see it. All that matters is what happens after you let go. 
Lucas: Yeah. I know it'd be simpler to just start takin' shots at each other, But I'm going to tell you something, and you really need to hear this. In the end, you're going to be the one on the floor. And I'm going to be the one who walks away. 
Maya: (Shudders) Ohhh.
Riley: (Smiles and nods) He's going to be a veterinarian.
Lucas: So, I'm going to do you a favor. And let you keep your reputation. Now I'd like you to keep mine, (backs up) otherwise we're going to be twenty and still be in middle school. You want that? 
Joey: I am twenty. (Walks away)
Zay:  So, I could've taken him right?
Lucas: Sure. Why do you keep finding yourself in these situations? 
Zay: Well, I like knowing you have my back. (Sits down and turns head while waiting for Lucas to sit down next to him)
Lucas: (Sits down) What are you doing here, Zay?
Zay: Maybe I miss my best friend, okay? Maybe I had a friend in Texas and he moved away and I miss hanging out with him and I convinced my entire family to-
Lucas: Your dad got transferred?
Zay: Yeah, same as you.
Lucas: Look, I'm glad you're here, buddy but.. I don't want to keep being the same guy you knew in Texas. 
Zay: Yeah. I'm not so sure you are. (They each put their arms around each others shoulders and walk into the classroom)
Riley: People change people.
Cory:  Secret of life. (Smiles and walks away)
Riley, Maya, And Farkle: (All walk into the classroom)
Interior. The Matthews' apartment. Everyone, including Maya, is eating dinner.
Riley: I can drive daddy crazy in eight seconds. 
Auggie: I can drive mommy crazy in six seconds. How long does it take for Riley and Auggie to drive mommy and daddy crazy together?
Cory: You feel like a movie?
Topanga: Love to. (They both stand up and head for the door)
Riley: Hey!
Auggie:  What?
Maya: You can't just get up in the middle of dinner and walk out on them before they drive you crazy. 
Topanga: We can do whatever we want. See we couldn't when we were kids, so that's why we became parents.
Riley: Well what do you call that?
Cory: Secret of life. there's lots of them. (Topanga and Cory both run out the door)
Auggie:  (Laughs)

Transcribed by Lilyluu1 and Mimi1239

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